as a mother, i feel that i often worry about the future. i like to know what is in store, generally, or at least have an idea of what will be happening. i am a creature of habit, a homebody, a homemaker by trade and by heart. i love "making home." i love to make food, i love to make things clean, i love to rest. i love to be in a space that is mine and that feels like a peaceful reflection of myself.
naturally, there are times when the future is not clear. there are times when all we have is right now (just taking it one day at a time, she says), and likewise, there are times when the past (recent or not-so-recent) comes to the surface overwhelmingly, dominating any open spaces and pulling on our hearts and spirits, demanding attention (heal me! grieve for me! let go of me!)
i've been thinking a lot lately about the concepts of courage and freedom. it is said that they go hand in hand. specifically, i heard a woman speaking about courage, and she explained the etymology of the word: courage comes from the same latin root as heart (cor); the french word for heart is coer. essentially, then, courage is not bravery - as I had thought. courage is being true to your heart. courage means be your fucking self.
this part in the video really struck me - alarmingly so - as i had not really considered that before. and it is undoubtedly the most challenging task in a human life - to be yourself, to listen to your heart, to let your heart truly be the guide. just hearing this story of semantics pretty much blew my mind. life is a test of courage. and not in a knight-in-shining-armor kind of way. no horses, no swords. (i mean, unless we want to get into deep spiritual metaphors: swords in the tarot do represent truth...hmm. but we can save that for another time).
a few days prior to learning about courage, a friend had sent me this quote:
"the secret of happiness is freedom. the secret of freedom is courage."
as i read back over this blog post, i'm realizing that i may not have a succinct point. these are just some open-hearted ramblings from my own mental landscape lately. the courage to be myself, the pursuit of freedom, and the task of creating the future for my child: all of these things loom large before me. the time is now, i believe, to be ourselves and to create the future. each step we take is the future. this is it. do i want Asher to know how to make pancakes? then i need to teach him now. the future is happening, and it is both exciting and exhausting at the same time.
this past year has been one of massive transformation for me, and it has demanded (and still does) much courage and vision and integrity. the future is bright, but sometimes it hurts my eyes and i want to close them. i think it is remarkable that with all the people in the world, with all of our loved ones and our relationships in our life, there is still that feeling of incredible solitude. each life is so unique, its own shimmering thread in the fabric of the whole.
the photos in this post are by Alexandra Vacaroiu and i discovered them on the Cosmic Collage.